Content Note (CN): disability, paralysis, hospitals
During a month-long hospitalization for sudden left-sided paralysis that, coincidentally, happened three years ago today, I began referring to the left side of my body as my “bad” side. Dana, my Occupational Therapist (OT) would always correct me: The left is your affected side. Versus my unaffected right side. Eventually, with constant correction, the terms stuck. It was a minor shift in language that made each side emotionally neutral in my mind. I have to believe that this shift in mindset helped me to use my left arm again, after two months of flaccid paralysis. If I had continued to say it was “bad,” I might subconsciously think my left side was bad. Having a negative association with half of my body could make me prone to neglect the left side. Neglect, a medical term and common phenomenon in stroke patients, prevents neuroplasticity and recovery. Some stroke patients’ neglect is so severe that they become unable to notice events like a person approaching from the left.
Words matter, it turns out, whether spoken or thought. My OT didn’t ask me to change reality and call it my super hand or something cheesy. Dana only asked that I soften myself to the neutral truth that, at the moment, my left side was affected by paralysis. The thing is - I didn’t think my left side was bad at all, having spent my whole life as a proud lefty. When my left arm and hand became unusable, I suddenly needed a way to say and think about my body differently, so I began using “bad,” subconsciously and then out loud. It was a practical thing - when hospital aides would help me get dressed, I needed a way to say “wait! my left side doesn’t work, it’s paralyzed right now.” That’s my bad side got the point across quicker.
The concept of shifting our thinking patterns in order to influence our daily lives is a pillar of therapeutic modalities in mental health care. A scroll through any social media platform will show that the idea is also having a renaissance in the “healing journey” space, which
explains well in this piece. The majority of healing influencers are referring to the effects of psychological trauma, and some are even licensed practitioners. Experts and coaches focus on healing the mind through habit shifts: stretching, breath-work, gratitude, dancing. But I’m here to remind us that the concept works both ways. Just as these habitual practices can influence our mental health, small shifts in our thought patterns can profoundly influence our physical bodies.Today, I have recovered many more functions of my left side than my care team initially expected. I always write and and eat with my left hand, and I consistently try to favor my affected side. My story may be a single anecdote, but it’s a part of my lived experience with Multiple Sclerosis that I am compelled to share. When I experienced paralysis, the idea of thinking about my body more gently seemed silly to me. But I’m thankful to Dana for the countless reminders - they worked.
Erin Ryan Heyneman is a disabled educator, creator, and speaker. She is also a Commissioner on her city’s Commission on Disability. Find the rest of her work here